OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
