wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
false alarm. still invincible.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
