I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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