new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
