did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
