Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
