I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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