I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize