i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
