Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
