He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
