Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize