I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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