So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
