I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Randomize
