Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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