I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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