Quick, to the slutcave!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just want to make out with him forever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
