you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
