his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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