Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
