I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize