haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
