party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Everyone says I win the strip club
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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