I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
