A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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