Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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