between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
