it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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