I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
