I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
