Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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