also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Randomize
