I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
