peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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