I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
