i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
