I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
