The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
