Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
