at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
