We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We need a shit load of segways right now
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
