At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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