cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
