theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
