Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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