There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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