I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
