My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
COCAINE IS GR8
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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