Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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