when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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