at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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