I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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