Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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