wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
