We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
