I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Houston, we have a squirter
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
