Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
