this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
