good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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