Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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