Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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