I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
