Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize