.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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