do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
