woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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