at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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